Big Yellow Tutu

May 30, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — helenium @ 3:40 pm

Ten days ago my skin was the same colour as my computer, today it is the colour of my tea. Well it would be if I drank normal tea and not the green, hippy kind.

This new found bronzed goddess look is thanks to a very last minute booked holiday to Corfu.

We left last Friday with some scepticism that wasn’t blown to pieces by the people on the plane with us. Being an old snob I feared we’d be stuck in the middle of some resort hell hole where every other building advertised the availability of Carling and where you could fall asleep to the sound of mothers swearing at their children. Thankfully, at the airport a big coach got weighed down with gold earrings and we were put in a little car to be taken to a nice sleepy village.

The hotel was stunning, set right on the beach, lodged between two very large tree covered mountains. You could sit on their terraces next to the beach and eat your breakfast. You don’t get that in Bethnal Green, not unless you’re not good at telling the difference between the sea and drug dealers.

I’m more of the sit by the pool with cocktails and sunshine person, whereas the Swish is more of a relaxing through death sports person. Somehow we managed to draw a happy medium. I didn’t do too well with his choices though, within 90 seconds of going on a mountain trek I’d fallen over, a rather choppy boat ride left me holding on to the seat with both hands, keeping my eyes tightly clenched and refusing the talk to anyone. It took me till the end of the week to pluck up the courage to swim down the middle of the pool rather than the edge, even the stairs out the hotel got the better of me as I fell down those when trying to drag my suitcase down them on the last day.

We’d hoped for lots of authentic Greek cooking, with plenty of good, local fresh fish, as our village used to be a famous fishing port. Aside from kilos of cucumber and feta, and the obvious Moussaka, we struggled to find anything worth shouting about. Most of the restaurants offered menus so extensive they couldn’t possible cook anything to order. Many places offered at least 40 starters and another 50 main courses, including bizarre amounts of pizza, omelette and roast dinners. The few places that offered a good variety of fish confessed that most of the fish was frozen, and at the start of the season I wasn’t too confident that it hadn’t been in the freezer since last summer. Fresh veg was a rarity; we saw a few too many plates of mixed frozen veg. Needless to say, when we got home we went straight to Sainsburys and bought almost all their fruit and veg section.

Some of the photos are on Swish’s flickr (, I may upload some different ones to this later, but for now here’s a cheesy coupley one to all those internet stalkers out there so they can recognise us and kill us for crack. We have lots of it after all.


May 18, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — helenium @ 11:33 am

Always being one to stay at the cutting edge of cool, I saw Kula Shaker at The Scala last night. Let it be known that I did not wear my KS T Shirt.

The evening started out being treated to dinner by a restaurant PR man who was trying to persuade us into using his venue for more parties. A little later and with half a pig inside my stomach I rolled over to Scala feeling about 80 stone.

The venue was packed, amazingly they’d managed to sell it out. I got there with literally five seconds to spare before they came on stage. Crispian still looks the same, his hair is still the best thing about him. He is shorter than I remember though, possibly only about five foot. I didn’t find myself fancying him either, I’d like to think that maybe my taste in men has evolved since I was fifteen, but my current crush on Giles Coren would prove otherwise.

KS rocked out all the old classics, drawing surprisingly heavily on the second (and much underrated) album. They did Govinda, Tattva, Hush, Hey Dude and Sound Of Drums, not bothering to change them in any way. No wonder the bassist looked bored. They did about 6 new songs I reckon, sadly I can tell the difference between old b sides and new tracks.

The set didn’t sound dated, it just sounded like Kula Shaker. I don’t think I’ll be rushing out to see them again, but it was worth it for a little bit of reminiscing.


May 15, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — helenium @ 6:00 pm

After the stresses and strains of wandering round London looking somewhat maimed, I decided a quiet weekend was in order.

Probably a little too quiet, I went to see X Men 3 on Friday night and despite it being in the big screen at the Empire in Leicester Square, the volume was so low you had to concentrate to understand what the cast were saying. Had not expected to engage my brain during this film and so was rather taken aback.

The film itself is quite good, not as engaging as the second in the trilogy, but still fantastic in terms of effects and fun. You find yourself questioning the plot in terms of what could happen with all the available superhero powers, that maybe people who died need not have if so and so had just stepped up to the mark instead.

Some FA Cup nonsense took over most of Saturday, so I plonked myself down in front of the computer and played too many hours of Roller Coaster Tycoon 3. It’s impossibly difficult. I always dreamt of owning a theme park, but I think that it proved, like karaoke, that my childhood job ambitions weren’t always well suited to me.

Sunday brought with it yet another press screening for a new film (insert remarks about being an industry whore here). This time it was Hoodwinked, an animated, modern take on the Little Red Riding Hood tale. The parallels to Shrek are obvious, you’d be forgiven for thinking the same company were behind it, but it’s worth seeing. It contains the usual glut of jokes for the parents and has a huge amount of daft songs, the soundtrack is bound to sell well. I got given a colouring in book, some chocolate and a red riding hood rain mac for my troubles that cheered me up no end.


May 5, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — helenium @ 7:13 pm

Unfortunately it seems last week’s messy arm photo will be the only piece of gore fest this month. There’s not really much interesting going on in my now wisdom free mouth to photograph. Well not that I can get at anyway, I can’t really open my mouth wider than a few centimetres. For all I know my gums could be a horrid bloody mess, oozing yellow puss. But lets hope not.

Today is the day after the operation, predictably I look like a hamster and have two bigs bruises on either side of my face. I look a bit like a punched up version of Mariah Carey. Its not very hot.

The day at hospital was fairly dull, I was the last on the list of the day’s operations so was kindly given a few hours to stew in my own nerves. It wasn’t until I’d been there three hours that they told me they had a tv lounge. The nurses were all quite boring, didn’t like my jokes about the industrialisation of China nor did they appreciate my fears about dying under general anaesthetic. Apparently its as rare as dying in a plane crash, which is never comforting. When people tell you something is as rare as dying in a plane crash do they mean this country or across the world as a whole, where in some countries every other plane crashes?

Anyway, the promise that the GA would feel like gin and tonics was a let down. Clearly my version of “a few g&ts” is different to theirs. I didn’t even get to count to ten either. I did do the cliched thing of asking where I was when I woke up though. Duh.

I’m in quite a lot of pain today, despite consuming a rather large pile of rather large pills. Its the stitches that hurt the most I think. Though my post intubation throat isn’t feeling too great.

I am going to whinge about this for a fair few weeks. Be warned, those less patient with me should probably just starting reading again in June.


May 3, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — helenium @ 11:49 am

I’m leaving London today to go and get my teeth ripped out. Starting to get nervous already, despite everyone tellling me not to be so melodramatic.

I’ll be taking lots of pictures over the course of the week, many of my split gums and puffy face. What’s the point in an LJ after all if you can’t publish your entire life on it?

So for now, and possibly forver if I die, over and out.
Next time you see me I’ll be coevered in iodine.


Faceparty Carnival D’Etrange May 1, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — helenium @ 3:06 pm

EDIT – with new photos

With worries about catching the Swish’s flu being at the forefront of my mind, I’d planned Friday night as a quiet night in front of the TV, no drama, no frills and certainly no booze. Oh how it all changed…

At about 5pm Swish got offered a pair of tickets to a FaceParty event over in Brick Lane. The invites came in a box with a large picture of a naked girl covered in blood and barbed wire, inside the box was a large IV bag of blood. Lovely. The invite itself promised dark arts, twisted cabaret and even a midnight crucifixion. There were to be 666 guests and shockingly additional invites cost a measly £1,200. Not one to invite your entire extended family to then.

I ummed and aahhed over what to wear for many hours – what the hell do you wear to a crucifixion? I’d never had this dilemma before. After an hour of pasting on black eyeliner and red lippy we found ourselves in a rather large queue on Brick Lane. The venue itself was set back from the road, so we couldn’t see in. We could however see massive crowds stopping as the passed by to gawp, as well as lots and lots of smoke and lasers. After we got handed some consent forms we’d begun to get very very nervous.

After what seemed like an hour of hoping it wasn’t actually going to involve death and defecation, we finally got to the front to find 5 girls in pink pvc with fake guns, a very very tall tranny wearing a fur coat with ‘cunt’ scrawled across the back in blood, numerous men in gimp suits and most importantly – two doorways, one marked ‘sluts’, another marked ‘virgins’. Those chosen for the sluts door were handcuffed and blindfolded before being led through the door. Eeek. For various am dram reasons the dominatrix taking tickets yelled at me and asked me to spin on the spot ten times. Either I giggled enough or I hadn’t worn enough black eyeliner, but we promptly got lead through the virgins door, sans bondage.

This is the first time I’d ever entered a venue to be warned by a man in a gimp suit not to eat the meat, and I’m hoping it’s my last. We walked through a dark corridor to see a very convincing torture scene that involved a very blonde girl with her bloody skeleton being groped by a creepy man proffering slices of sandwich meat.

When we walked in it soon became apparent they’d spent the equivalent of 3rd world debt on this party. More pvc clad girls offered us champagne (with ‘gory’ cherry tomatoes in the bottom). As we walked through to the next room we spotted large breasted waitresses wearing only pants, surgeons in scrubs covered in blood, more gimp suits and oddly, men dressed as convicts. Quite what rainforests have to do with torture I’m not sure, but the second room was transformed in a big high budget J-Lo video, complete with 15ft waterfall. Woodchips covered the floor and after a few drinks you’d have been forgiven for thinking we were actually in the jungle.

There were almost as many staff as guests, some of whom asked Swish to eat whipped cream covered strawberries off their nipples. Poor boy. Every second step your glass was filled up, so much for the booze free Friday then.

The next few rooms were made up into caves, complete with shrines to the death of Debbie McGee and Vanessa Feltz. Vanessa’s included slices of pie amongst the voodoo dolls. Charming.

Further rooms included a sex shop complete with a stripper in the window, ‘golden shower’ toilets complete with glory holes, and a seedy back alley complete with a muttering tramp. It was all very very strange.

We drank and drank, not noticing how much we were getting through as these damned gimps wouldn’t stop topping up our glasses. We declined from drinking the shots of celebrity piss and jizz though. About half way through the evening I nearly added to the piss levels on offer by getting a bit too excited at the sight of Will Young stood near us in a very sexy leather waistcoat and no shirt underneath. Teh sex. Apparently George Michael was there, but he’s not teh sex so much nowadays since he stopped wearing tiny white shorts.

It was incredible how much the theme got into people’s mindsets, the atmosphere was very very sexually charged. We found a secret room towards the back of the venue whereby you had to crawl to get into the room. Inside was a white palace complete with a hot plunge pool and giant plastic cows. It felt for all the world as if an orgy was going to begin any second. Time to go back to the rainforest then.

By this point I’d had rather a lot of champagne, and the wood chippings floor wasn’t so easy to cope with when in very high red stilettos. As I stepped from the rainforest floor onto the now rather damp rubber floor of the cabaret room I fell flat on my face. Ouch.

I smashed the champagne glass in my hand, but was more worried about the pain in my knees when the bouncers asked me if I was OK. I couldn’t see any blood on my knees so I brushed myself off and said I was fine. Though within about 30 seconds I noticed a rather large amount of blood running down my right arm. Damn, that’d be the glass I fell on then.

I got marched out to the medics on duty, and soon bandaged up. Thankfully, the medics weren’t the blood covered surgeons and were instead very nice normal non-gimped up people.

Walking home I couldn’t really get over how I’d ended up seeing so much nakedness, so much blood (fake and real) and so much rubber; I’ve spent the rest of the weekend indoors just to recover.

Ps. Gory photos of bruised knees, cut arms and big rainforests will appear tomorrow when I get back to work.

Pps. To my boss who told me that he’d meet me in the ‘toture garden’, I expect to find you tied up on my desk chair first thing tomorrow morning.