Big Yellow Tutu

June 28, 2005

Filed under: Uncategorized — helenium @ 6:35 pm

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I am tired and a little sunburnt, washed out and lacking in a liver. Must have been Glastonbury this weekend then. Being back in the full swing London life makes the weekend seem an age ago already but I shall do my best to cast my mind back and give you the many lows and few highs of the weekend…


It started badly with our downstairs neighbour informing us that water was leaking into his flat from ours just as we were leaving for the then sunny Somerset. Fears of returning home to a completely flooded flat were abound.

It did get better; we only got lost twice en route, and worked out how to set up a tent with surprisingly little difficulty. We sat in the sunshine, lounged about and I felt completely satisfied with every aspect of my life. Couldn’t have been happier. I am such a cliché when I want to be. I drank my £6 a litre classy whiskey neat a plastic bottle until the early hours of the morn, seeing Candy try to pole dance a guy rope and my sister consumer her weight in Bombay mix.

I have no idea what happened for the next five hours, but suddenly my sobriety came crashing down to earth when one of my friends chucked me out my tent so they could have very noisy sex. To top off my anger the thunderstorm that caused all the much publicised rain chaos started just as they kicked into their am-dram porn antics.

It just rained. And rained. And rained. We woke up to find what felt like a water bed under our tent, fun at first, until it all started running into the inside of our tent.


No matter how many pictures you may have seen of the rain, its impossible to realise just how depressing it was. Few of us had any dry clothes, working phones or high spirits. We were a foot deep in water and had nowhere to sleep. I felt like giving up and going home. I started back on the whiskey and things looked up. My drinking partner in crime, Steve, and I went on a mission to cheer ourselves up by getting our faces painted in the Kidz field. It was closed due to flooding. Could it get any worse?

We decided that there was only one option left – the car. It had dry seats, a radio (there was no music on any stage at this time) and we could sit down. We trekked through the carpark to find cars up to their boot bumpers in water and panicked but finally, the gods allowed us one bit of peace – our car was fine. We reclined the seats, cracked open the next bottle of whiskey and listened to Glastonbury via the joys of Radio 1.

The only band I saw all day was Be Your Own Pet, who I’d seen just two nights before. £125 a ticket well spent.

At some point I offended a man so greatly that I had to run. I told a gentleman in the Pussy Parlour that I was disappointed that there was no nakedness and how I wouldn’t want to see any of the girls on the dancefloor naked. It turned out one of them was his girlfriend.

Either before or after BYOP we helped Eddie and Caroline move their tent from the middle of some parked lorries backstage over to our camping village. Talk about lazy when it comes to putting down tents. See Mr Swish’s news for that.

About 6 hours passed and I fund myself trekking to the Lost Vagueness to try and see Kid Carpet. Don’t remember it at all.

I stole Eddies jumper and (piss stinking) sleeping bag and woke up feeling very mean.


I woke up to find I had run out of whiskey. How? I bought three and a half litres of the stuff. Time to start on the neat vodka.

I also found out that someone had stolen my bag of knickers. I still can’t find them today.

Art Brut were my first priority of the day, and my oh my they were good. I got mentioned during the set and blushed (“my friend Helen told me not to talk about the weather because its not a very glam thing to do”.) I’ve seen them a lot of times but this may have been one of their best sets, the John Peel tent was packed for them.

The Rakes were on after, and also tops. I was starting to feel better. Maybe seeing some bands wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

I was feeling tired and lame by 11pm, not wanting to see Coldplay and instead opting for the luxury of mr swish and his double bed caravan. Mmm…


I felt refreshed and revived, despite the loud music keeping us awake til three. One of the Bud tents had a Poptones day on today. Despite being hundreds of miles away, the prospect of bands that I see every week was too tempting.

I saw Special Needs, who like BYOP, I had already seen this fortnight. But they are worth it. They are growing on me more and more every day. My drinking buddy Steve felt compelled to write left and right on his wellies, dancing along to my oft repeated renditions of “to the left, dum-dum-dum, to the right, dum-dum-dum, we go rum-de-de-rum…”.

A bit of shit chilli, some very sunburnt friends after our lounging about in the much loved summer sun and we headed over to Primal Scream. My god they were awful. Bobby G was wasted, could barely sing on the beat and got dragged off stage by security. Memories from now own are blank again.


Some of my nerdier (possibly wiser) friends left at seven in the morning to avoid the queues. Oh, if only we’d listened. It took 7 hours to get out the car park. We got home at half one in the morning.


Overall, I think I had fun. There were a few too many arguments and too much drama for my liking. But in terms of good, semi-clean fun I was happy. I am not made for camping and have decided that if I do go to another festival its going to be a Mediterranean one. But I don’t think it will be for a long time. Without wishing to sound like a gig snob I just don’t think festivals are worth it at the moment. I go to too many gigs in the week, all the bands I wanted to see I’d seen a thousand times before. I got yelled at for only seeing a few bands but seeing Kasabian is never going to be high on my list of priorities.

Now if anyone would like to give me back my bag of knickers…


June 21, 2005

Filed under: Uncategorized — helenium @ 5:55 pm

Today has been quiet and sleepy. My boss is away ill and so things haven’t been as hectic as usual. All the clamour and excitement was squished into my heart today, because about 15 minutes ago I saw Mr Alex Zane. Twice. He kinda half smiled at me the first time I saw him. Hes lovely. His legs are very skinny but I don’t mind. My pulse was racing for about 10 minutes after the whole affair. I am starting to calm down now.

The usual meeting of watching the new videos wasn’t very interesting this week. The new Goldfrapp video looks like T Rex, the new Ciara single is really good and Lady Sovereign’s ditty is set on a bus with trumpeters.

Theres a kid outside with a T shirt that reads ‘McShit’ under the Golden Arches logo, and he has a very large bottle of Dr Pepper in his hands and an Adidas rucksack.

Glastonbury is looming incredibly imminently. I have nothing sorted as yet. The weather forecast on the BBC sites promises rain, so I think I have to go out and buy wellies. And possibly a tent. Not sure at the moment which is more important. I’ve been told by my sister to buy the cheapest tent I can find. We’ll probably end up in a tiny fishing tent.

I quite like this one…

If I drink enough whiskey I’m sure I can learn to sleep upright.


June 20, 2005

Filed under: Uncategorized — helenium @ 6:27 pm

I don’t remember having any huge plans to get entirely, blazingly drunk on Friday night at the Chalets. I was a stumbling mess by the end of the evening, just too much whiskey, I kept drinking and drinking and drinking.

The gig was over at the Purple Turtle for the new Artrocker nights; it was fairly busy for the bands but as soon as they finished I think everyone hopped next door to see Towers of London, leaving only about 20 of us to keep drinking into the dawn.

One of the funniest things of the evening was Mr Keith TOTP repeatedly (and I mean about 20 times) saying to me that there were no new bands as good as either Art Brut, Ciccone or Art Goblins. He was very insistent on this and wants me to shout out this fact at every video played in our MTV meetings that isn’t by one of the above bands. I think it may get me fired and possibly institutionalised. I love those three bands but shouting it every three minutes in a meeting might not make me seem sane.

After dancing, table football, kebabs and waiting hours for a bus we found our flat, apparently at about 3 in the morning, though I swear it couldn’t have been much past midnight.

Saturday was spent eating buckets of cold meat in the park and being taught how to play Frisbee by Mr Swish. I can’t throw or catch, he had a mission on his hands. I’m getting OK at making my hand touch the Frisbee, just not so good at keeping the Frisbee in my hand without it falling to the floor. I still can’t throw it properly however.

We got suitably sunburnt and decided against going to see Special Needs in Brixton, followed by The Cribs at Frog. Its all about watching Murder In Suburbia.

Sunday was supposed to be a fun day, spent at the Stylish Riots all-dayer over at Cargo. The last one was fantastic but yesterdays gig frenzy was somewhat more subdued. The place couldn’t have had more than 150 people there, really very empty.

The line-up had been chopping and changing over the last few weeks and what was left was less than impressive. There was still the awesome Twisted Charm, and the hairy and LA slick Chineapples but that was about it. Selfish Cunt got there late and didn’t bother to play and there wasn’t really anyone else I wanted to see. The Priscillas told us they’d be on in five minutes, an hour and a half later, after we thought we’d missed them, they decided to get on stage. Just as we were pegging it through the door away from boredom.

Twisted Charm were great, despite having seen them many times in the last few weeks they’re not fading on me. I miss the sight of the interim bassist and her amazing breasts, but it turns out the boys wear trousers so tight you can see every bump and vein of their manhood. Keeps me happy. I still want to be their sax player, minus the cock of course.

Today I am tired, the heat and friends staying at the church meant that I could barely sleep. I still have tonnes of Chalets interview to write but Mr Swish is cooking for me tonight and the presentation that I’ve been doing at work looks ace. All is not lost.


June 17, 2005

Filed under: Uncategorized — helenium @ 1:57 pm

Tuesday night at Special Needs

Swish: Come on, lets go to the aftershow, it’ll be fun.
Me: No, lets go home and sleep.
Swish: It won’t be that late, I promise.
Me: But I feel ill.

Wednesday night before Fischerspooner.

Me: Come on, lets go to the gig, it’ll be fun.
Swish: No, lets go home and sleep.
Me: It won’t be that late, I promise.
Swish: But I feel ill.

He’s obviously much stronger than me; we made it to the aftershow and not to Fischerspooner. Humph.

This weekend I have Chichester friends coming up for a few days. We shall drink, lounge about in the sunshine, see The Chalets, go to Cargo and feel all summery. It shall be lovely.

Tomorrow’s Dr Who apparently has some serious man-love going on. Just as Capt. Jack Harkness is about to die he kisses Dr Who. A man from Mediawatch said “This is totally inappropriate, considering Dr Who goes out in the early evening and is meant to be for family viewing.” I can just see parents now saying to their kids “quick Quentin turn away, its men kissing; its ok to turn back now, its only a crowd of zombified dead children with gas masks welded to their face”.

Work is still going well. Though the sightings of Alex Zane still stand at zero. I am in the process of popifying my desk space at the moment, so far I have a pic of Fran from Travis and Danny from McFly (in football gear no less). I’m putting a presentation together about Robbie and Alicia Keys today for the giant management bigwigs. I’m trying to make it look all professional and pretty but cant seem to get away from that template/wizard look. I see now why designers get paid all this money, its quite tough. It turns out that ‘Insert>picture>from file’ does not make a good presentation all by itself. Damn.

And now I’ve just got sweet chilli sauce all over my mouse from trying to type and eat at the same time. Damn damn.


June 15, 2005

Filed under: Uncategorized — helenium @ 6:08 pm

Pet hates for today

· Videos where the singer plays different characters
J-Lo – Get Right
Jem – Just A Ride
Avril Lavigne – He Wasn’t
To name just a few…

· Toilets that have a running water sound so you can’t tell if you’re still peeing

· Running out of breakfast goods in the morning

I’m off to Fischerspooner tonight. It was free – don’t laugh. I hope theres dancers. Clor are in support so it might not be all bad.

Last night’s Special Needs gig was impressive, on the back of the three songs I knew by them I didn’t really know what to expect. Loads of “do wop, la la la…”, giving it all a bit of a wedding disco feel. I was somewhat won over. I still don’t like the Barfly much though – its too hot, too crowded and I can never see anything. There was a giant of a girl in front of me who clearly thought that the gusset of her pink tights was a sexy thing and had them pulled up about 8 inches above her jeans line. So not only could I not see because of her but I was forced to look at her grotty hosiery.

Last night we had lots of arguments about plans for the evening, with me being a grumpy old woman and not wanting to go the aftershow and hang out with yelping 15 year old girls, and everyone else wanting to party til the sun rose. Was it a Tuesday night only for me? Did everyone else think it was a Friday?


June 13, 2005

Filed under: Uncategorized — helenium @ 6:19 pm

Another weekend of no gigs. Not without trying this time though. Ok, so Friday night was spent in front of the TV, but on Saturday we actually left the house twice. So brave. We wanted to see The Long Blondes, Young Knives and Good Shoes over at Nambucca. The flyer said, “starts at 7pm, arrive early to avoid disappointment”. Did we listen? Nope. We got there at quarter to 10 to find a very big queue and no chance of getting in within the hour.

Having already turned down Selfish Cunt tickets we had no choice but to go to the pub. A pub that in fact, played ‘Swing Low, Sweet Chariot’ and ‘Whiskey In The Jar’. Brilliant.

The braver (and less limping than me) went to Frog but we staggered (literally) homewards.

Sunday was spent partially at Colmbia Rd flower market, where the hordes of middle class, middle aged women bought up Longiflorum Lillies like they were running dress agencies in the nineties. Being the trendy young thing I am I bought dark blue thistles. Just too cool. I also bought a dress and a top which although I love, I’m pretty sure I can’t afford. Both have ribbons though.

I watched Donnie Darko for the first time ever yesterday. And before the bitching starts – yes, I know I should have seen it sooner. I quite enjoyed it, but kowing what to expect from it did dull the shine somewhat. I tried to watch both ‘Women On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown’ as well as ‘Cherry Falls’ but gave up with both. The former being too highbrow for a Sunday and the latter being too far at the opposite extreme. Snob? Me? Never.

Tonight I am off to Leicester Square for dinner with work folk. I am wearing my new dress, maybe as justification for it’s purchase.


June 10, 2005

Filed under: Uncategorized — helenium @ 2:15 pm

Everyone in the world went to The Cribs gig last night. Everyone in the world had Lj-ed about how much they loved The Cribs. I think I may be the only person in the world who thinks theyre a bit dull. They’re not that special. There are so many better bands about at the moment. Why is everyone creaming over them?
It turns out I was interviewing The Chalets, not The Cribs. This was somewhat of a relief – though it did mean I had a tonne of questions I’d prepared for The Cribs. It being the first interview I’ve done in my life I was bricking it. My questions were very Smash Hits, examples being “favourite type of ice cream” and “favourite festival”. It was all summer themed you see. 3 of the band members looked genuinely interested, one just looked really insulted that I didn’t really ask them much about the band. I now have to write 2000 words about it. Shit.
I drank too much last night, my plans to leave by 11 were scuppered by an aftershow and a continuation of the whiskey drinking. I don’t feel too bad today, surprisingly. Though I think I’ve broken my kneecap, I can barely walk on it – its got progressively worse all week. Considering going to the doctors but would feel a bit silly.
My plans for the weekend are to maybe go to Nambucca tomorrow to see The Long Blondes, Good Shoes (for obvious reasons) and Young Knives. Tonight maybe the Schla La Las, C-Jags and Twisted Charm and although I do like both The Schla La Las and Twisted Charm I’m not overly enthusiastic. At some point over the weekend we plan to go to the beach, maybe Bournemouth, maybe Ramsgate. The forecast looks cloudy but I guess we can put our jumpers on to drink Pimms and play beach volley ball.
I have stuff to do at work today, which isn’t great. Important stuff too, and I keep revealing far too much of my brassiere out the edge of my top than can be deemed ladylike. Oops.